"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." Philippians 4: 8-9
I am 21 years old for two more months and there are very few times I have acted my age. My father was diagnosed with leukemia when I was in the fifth grade. I can remember the very day and time when I grew up. Standing in a hospital room realizing the magnitude of my father's disease, I for the first time looked at the world from a perspective that did not include my selfish desires.
At the time I was being homeschooled due to severe difficulty with spelling and reading. I would later as an adult realize I have a moderate case of dislexia. I offered to go back to public school mid-year so my mom could care for my father and not have to worry about teaching me. Thus was born my need to save everyone. To become responsible for the well being of others as much as it was in my power to do so. I would exhaust myself with this for several years to come.
Last weekend I was 21 and had a great time at a salsa club enjoying a few drinks, dancing with my husband, and having a great talk with a friend. Last night I was really 21 and after having too many drinks spent most of the night and a good portion of the morning with my head in a toilet. The evening was going great and we were out with our friend Nick who, if you don't take the time to see his heart and how lovely it is, you would never know him and would be wrong in all your assumptions. Assumptions are a dangerous thing you know.
Nick has recently had his heart broken and last night was about having a good time with him and reassuring him that things are going to look up. After several drinks I began a conversation with a woman from Moscow. We were drinking the same drink, Vodka and cranberry juice so we felt a bond. We discussed our backgrounds. I mentioned my faith and Jesus, but in my inebriated state I can't remember much of what was said except I convinced myself I had been very brave. Im not sure why. Not long after I was chatting with Jason and decided I needed to find the bathroom. Once there I began to vomit....alot. What seemed like forever passed by; really about 20 minutes. I couldn't get myself up off the cold tile floor. I kept praying for Jason to come and find me. And he did. I knew all I had to do was listen for someone saying my name. As soon as I heard, "Is there a Laura in here?" I managed to mutter a yes and unlock the bathroom stall door. A dear woman who worked the bathrooms at the casino began to talk to me and figure out a way to get me out of the bathroom and to my husband. As much as I pleaded they would not let Jason into the women's room and so she stayed with me until I was ready to walk out to him. Another girl who had been sitting near us noticed Jason waiting outside the bathroom and asked if she could help. These two women watched me puke my guts out, carried me out of the stall, and then into another where they watched me puke some more. I remember I kept apologizing. "Im sorry" I would say. They held me tight and assured me it was ok. "We've all been her baby. It sneaks up on you."
"I've never done anything like this" I said.
"Don't you worry we are gonna get you to your husband and he will take good care of you."
The rest of the night went much like my time in the casino bathroom. Nick and Jason carried me to our hotel across the street and watched over me and nursed me while I vomited and eventually passed out. I later woke up and cried as I listened to music. Having a few drinks is good for an easy going time. Getting drunk is good for making you vomit and cry. I cried about my mother who died almost 2 years ago, I cried about the baby I miscarried on Christmas eve, and I just cried, because I had never really let it out. "I always have to be so strong" I said.
Nick and Jason were incredible. I couldn't ask for a better husband or a better friend. I write to tell you this for a reason I confess. I am me and can be no one else. For every choice I make and experience I have I grow and learn and know myself, friends, family and the Lord better. There is no use in hiding the truth. No use in pretending I am something Im not. Do I regret last night? May I be so bold as to say no? No I do not. True free life leaves no room for regrets. By the power of Jesus Christ I am a saint; today the same as yesterday and tomorrow and forever. Nothing can change that. Pretending that I am flawless and without questionable experience as you could call it, would be the sin. I am broken hearted though.
I am broken hearted over what I learned about myself and the tendencies of Christians. I mentioned Nick earlier. If some of you met our dear friend Nick, you might believe him to be a harsh crude kind of fellow. Never bothering to look deeper past the gruff exterior you would miss out on knowing a truly loyal, spiritual, loving individual that has so much to teach those who come into contact with him. What scares others so is that they might just have to get outside themselves and thier set ways to be able to know someone like Nick and appreciate him and learn from him and love him. Those people are not Jesus.
Another revelation cuts to the core of me. Last night those women who attended me and loved me and passed no judgment on me, they taught me. Normally it would have been all to easy to judge those women. One who works at a Casino--God forbid--and the other who was drinking and gambling. These are the utter outcasts of "Christian society". I mean we know those who know God right? Their lives display so much goodness and they do so many good things and abstain from all evil.
In the same respect we can easily point out those who need the Lord. The godless gambler and the alcoholic, or even casual drinker. We do not agree with these people. Our "job" is to convict them and bring them into the light of God. Well I am one of these outcast then, the least of these. And I have been loved and touched by these "lost" as they are called. After all, we have been given all power to determine the world's salvation right? Let me never be one of these thinkers; one of these judgers. Let me love and live to be set apart but not above. Let me experience, and try and triumph, and trip and get back up again. Let me hold the head of someone throwing up and wipe the spit off of their mouth. That is Jesus. I am me and I can be no one else.
Love till later,
LauraAnne
What will i do when I pray for the will of the Lord? How will I react when the one thing Im crossing my fingers for behind my back is the one thing the Lord chooses to delay or worse not give at all? And why do I insist on viewing it that way? Do I really ever desire His will, when clearly I had my preference all along? I am a selfish child by nature. I find myself questioning my reasons for trusting the Lord. I mean when you trust and are obedient shouldn't the confusion cease? Why is it that sometimes when we trust, the outcome is the same as it would have been if we had never trusted at all? Mercy is bestowed to me through peace, and I know that Christ understands. If only I did. I can't help but feel like some pawn in a game. What bigger picture am I not seeing here? Yes, I know that Your ways are higher than mine Father. Please, bear with me as I ask the ever nagging question in my heart....Why? I am reminded of why I write my music. Most of the time I don't even know the meaning of what I write until much later. The meaning is revealed in a personal way and I see the prophetic nature of the 
words God jots through me. "These things must happen for some good reason or else what's your blood shed for?" and "What will I get for this? My constant brokenness? Will I ever be all right? Nothing it seems is very comforting so I go on deep inside. And Im alright." Fact faced, I have these longings and doubts. What else can I do but place them out into the void? I can't just swallow these things, this life, without wrestling with it first. Maybe that's what makes me stronger, or just human. Im not sure. "Shouldn't I already know all this?" She asks herself half smileing.
