Im sorry Im not sure I follow

What will i do when I pray for the will of the Lord? How will I react when the one thing Im crossing my fingers for behind my back is the one thing the Lord chooses to delay or worse not give at all? And why do I insist on viewing it that way? Do I really ever desire His will, when clearly I had my preference all along? I am a selfish child by nature. I find myself questioning my reasons for trusting the Lord. I mean when you trust and are obedient shouldn't the confusion cease? Why is it that sometimes when we trust, the outcome is the same as it would have been if we had never trusted at all? Mercy is bestowed to me through peace, and I know that Christ understands. If only I did. I can't help but feel like some pawn in a game. What bigger picture am I not seeing here? Yes, I know that Your ways are higher than mine Father. Please, bear with me as I ask the ever nagging question in my heart....Why? I am reminded of why I write my music. Most of the time I don't even know the meaning of what I write until much later. The meaning is revealed in a personal way and I see the prophetic nature of the words God jots through me. "These things must happen for some good reason or else what's your blood shed for?" and "What will I get for this? My constant brokenness? Will I ever be all right? Nothing it seems is very comforting so I go on deep inside. And Im alright." Fact faced, I have these longings and doubts. What else can I do but place them out into the void? I can't just swallow these things, this life, without wrestling with it first. Maybe that's what makes me stronger, or just human. Im not sure. "Shouldn't I already know all this?" She asks herself half smileing.

On to other things. I wanted to update everyone on the wonderful camping trip Jason took me on. We had the best time. We went caving and saw so many bats. Then we hiked a creek trail, and did about three other hikes. Of course building a fire, making smores and sleeping in a tent was the highlight to me. I really think that down to the letter everything went absolutely perfect. Like time just stood still and we were in our own little word. That is the beauty of nature. Also Saturday was my show and it went great. I was so overwhelmed at the turn out. Thank you everyone for coming!! I enjoyed just playing and being silly with my friends and family. I love a layed back night.

We are going to visit my love Dana on Friday in Baldwin City, near Kansas City. And, since my training date for work was moved up we will be leaving from there to head to Chicago till about the 6th or 7th. So we will be busy and enjoying a little time on the road again. And now, you know what is playing in my head, "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." :) Well I better go finish this game of scrabble with J.
Love till later,
LauraAnne