Move, only when the distance is forward.

Sometimes its hard to be so far away from what you know. In a strange place, a musty hotel room. No place to hide when you just feel like a home body. Jason has been soo good to make my last few posts, putting pictures up for everyone. It seems I have been in a bit of a funk.

Moments arise when time is needed to work things out, mull things over. The road, this life is a strange lover. She takes you so high with promises to see everything that sparkles and experience the life that aludes in dreams. Then, she drags you down in the mud where loneliness is your only companion and the strange your accomodation. Never the same, always something new. Some days the work as much work can do has you crazy seeing circles. Never ending circles where you are trapped like a mouse. Other days you hardly notice the time fly by, then its off to some site some inviting world. All that you once knew holds very little ground. The regular life that filled you, seems only a dream, a very distant memory.

Suck it up, move on, savor, live! Cry, sadden, gasp, mourn! What goes up all to often must come down. Such is life? So I get some fresh flowers, move the hotel furniture around, and buy some candles. Atleast it smells good now, and a fresh look on things always helps. Strange people, some nice, altough I know not who they are. Others, distant and short. Snubbed because maybe Im not earthy enough, or maybe I just don't look like I like gay people. Then again I could be a supporter of "you know who"....president Bush that is. Oh but who has the time to tell. We're all too busy being artsy and cynical. One must wear enough black you know. We are all mourning the loss of our childhood, or our freedom, or our destiny, or something like that. Maybe everyones just pissed that wal-mart still hasn't been brought down.

Hey you with the black hair and eyes and stockings, is your heart dark too? I usually wear lighter colors like pink or green, white even. Have you ever seen anyone die? I mean you love death and dark and real, not fake? My heart is dark, I saw her take her last breath on that bed. It took awhile, but she let go.

Far away now from this deranged world you dissect and quote and protest. Her grave a place I care not to go. So liberal and so open, yet so squandered on the useless and segregated. Because your cause chimes like the valley girl who walks with her cash on her shoulder. The same game. Please be real, so real. Protest only if you can evoke change. Speak only when your words will move. Move only when the distance is forward.

I am by nature evil, sick, lustful and damned. But out of this comes a man the God who defies these laws, the laws of the good, the laws of the man, He creates a new standard. A standard that will not be dissected to understand. One that you will never illuminate or mutilate. One that your self rightiousness and your rebellion will never defy. It shatters the walls of government and crumbles the waves of torture. He is not who you think you know, He is not your white rich neighbor or your stone cold reject, He is both, He is love, He is undeniable. I can't fathom it and I am poor, humiliated by my flaws. You think you know them, that they would be small, but I dare not tell you how high they climb. I run from one city to the next leaving them behind.

Surely here I will not be human. But I am found. I will not hate one or the other. If I hate it should be myself. But this is useless in the end. Punishment and loathing, success and bliss. I need only live, and live I must. For this day, maybe this day the last.

So if I may, I speak live for something, live for nothing, die, kill yourself, kill others, but you will still exist, and existance is what makes you real.. Engraved on permanant stone. Your name forever written. I may not know my true name, but it will surely be born.